"Mexican Standoff"

After posting the chicken pic yesterday morning (I know it said 10:30 PM, it was really am, I screwed up!). I went to the AMC to see "Mindhunters". An incident while seeing the last Highlander movie (Which sucked) forced me to boycott this theater, but sometimes I go to see rare indie films, anime, or movies that'll been out over 2 months and are gone everywhere else.

So, I get my ticket and realize "Mindhunters" is theater 24 (of 25) which is all the way up on the top floor (Six stories, I think). What happened next made my whole Memorial Day Weekend! Ya see the ticket ushers are on the 2nd floor ONLY, so the further up you are, the more movies you can sneak into on EACH FLOOR!!! I saw "Mindhunters", "Crash", "Episode III", "Monster-In-Law", AND "Layer Cake" for the price of one ticket! After each movie, I just went one flight down and checked to see which movie was about to start in another theater! It's the called the "Domino Effect", you never get caught, just look like you're going to the next movie...They may have cameras and ushers, but they'll never catch this theater-hopping rabbit!

I get home at around 11:30 at night, and who do I see but my sister....
"Whadda doing Here?" I asked. I checked for new bruses or any sign she's still with that asshole that's beating her...

First thing outta her mouth, No "Hey", "What's Up", or "How YOU doing?"..."Can you make me a copy of Mariah Carey's CD?" This girl's a peice of work. "I could get her latest one off the internet..." I began, she interrupts "No, No, I got that from someone already, and it's making wanna listen to her first album, can you make it?" I was like, WHAT?!?!...Hell no, "Go to Tower Records and get it for 7.99, fool!" I yelled. Then mom walks in from the bedroom. Now, it's 11:30, AT NIGHT, mom is usually dead to the world sleep by now...

So, I'm thinking "Everybody's here, somebody died or some crazy shit!". Then my mom explains...

"She's here becuase she doesn't want me to go to her house, tonight."

I'm like, "HUH!?!"

"I was going to ruin her weekend fun by spending the night at her house and see if this nigga still smacking her up." mom explains further.

I finally get her plan and elaborate, "So you were going to just show up at her house at 10 at night without thinking who would be there? Could you BE any more suicidal MOM?!?!" I hollar.

My sister sucks her teeth and says "Shut up" and mom laughs.

"Her stupid ass friends ain't gonna do nothing to me!" mom says.

I look at my sister who looks like she wants to home, but thinks mom will go right behind her so she's waiting her out...

"So YOU came over to prevent mom from going to your place..." I concluded.

"BUT how'd you even find out about mom's plan?" I asked no one in particullar, the answer then waltzed in the living room to join us...

"Hiyeee Uncle!!!"

My little niece, she can be such a monkey wrench.

So, Mom's threating to follow my sister home just to see whose over at her place and natually my sister's having a shit fit.

Me having seeing five movies straight and not moving my bowels, I left them to their mexican standoff to answer nature's call...

Mom and my niece went to bed at 1am, my sister asked me for 20 bucks so she could take a can home, I gave her unlimited metrocard which was going to expire at the end of may, she threw it back in my face and stormed out. Which was a good thing, I later realized considering the 31st was a tuesday and I had to go back to work.

Mom swears she's going to crash my sister's house party one of these weekends, but I know well enough not to hold my breath.

Here's to the all the soldiers out there that fight to let our dysfunctional families make us miserable freely.

God bless America.

"God, I love this City"

I swear, ONLY in New York.

I'm down at the South Street Seaport with camera in tow and what do my eyes catch? A guy in a chicken suit, walking down the broadwalk!



I don't know what he was doing, he had no flyers in his hands and appeared to have some sort of message written on the suit. People was walking around him and giving him weird looks when he was nearby.

I snagged a couple of shots of the dude, and a half hour later, he was gone...

Weridos.

"A Quick Music Quiz"

I've been planning this one for days...

If anyone reading this has a blog, you can either answer these questions on theirs to spread it around, or put your answers in the comments...

Peace!

1)If you're a shy person, name 3 songs you would only dance to if if you heard it in a club...If you dance all the time (not shy), name 3 types of music you'd NEVER dance to...

A)I'm a shy guy, so...1)"Get Involved" by Rafael Saddiq and Q-Tip, 2)"Cha-Cha-Cha" by the Flipmode Squad, I can't think of a third song, except for those two, I would NEVER dance!

2)Name three songs you'd actally get up and perform karaoke on if they were available...
A)They'd never have mine, 1)"Porcelain" by Moby, 2)"Runaway" by Del Shannon, and 3)"Bittersweet Symphony" by the Verne.

3)Name a song that instatly starts playing in your head when you see someone you're physically attracted to (eg. "Why do birds magically appear, everytime you're near?...").
A)"All is full of Love" (Strings Version) by Bjork.

4)This is a bit unrelated to the music, but goes with the previous question...What's the first thing you say (to either yourself or someone else, or even the person themself) to acknowledge that physical attraction?

A)I usually do my Billy Dee Williams impersonation from "Empire Strikes Back", a smooth low whisper of "Hellllo, What have we Heeere?" It's silly, but I say that instantly when someone's actually gotten my attention.

and the last question, this one's a bit spooky...

5)What song would you like to be performed or played at your funeral (Aside from the usual "Amazing Grace", a personal song, one that represents the life you lived.)

A)"God walking over the face of the Waters" by Moby, the ballad used in DeNiro's death scene in "Heat". A great song, simple piano and violin combo that can be repeated for hours...

"Bowling for Dummies"

I should get that book...

So, it's friday night, three day weekend, where am I goin'...To the Times Square Bus Terminal for some Bowling!

Just joined the meetup group for New York City bowlers (DIdn't know they even freakin had one!) after my last couple of meetup group meeting have been somewhat tame....

Boy, did I take s trip to the other side of the spectrum! I've signed up with some people that are nutz about bowling!

Basicaly, it's about having a good time, and that's what the members live for.

The bowling alley is know for great music, cool service, and glow-in-the-dark balls, but when you play, it's all about the people you're with.

There were 18 confirmed members spread along 3 lanes. Each lane, six members played two games. Each player was entitled to a free drink and various members ordered food for others.

The orginizer was a free sprited woman who made us play a coversation-game to get to know each other better, but being it was my first meetup and all, I played the shy, silent type. There were a lot of cute young ladies that I could go for if I see them again a few times. I was center of attention for one member who was trying to break the ice with me. She seemed nice, light skinned, like me, blond hair. nice eyes...She kinda reminded me of "Faith" which was funny because she said I reminded her of "Biggie" in a typical black & white Total video, just standing in the background, dressed in black with shades on, bopping the beat.

Even though we all had name tags, I missed her name, she was hyping up the games for everybody and making sure everybody was having a good time. Scoring wasn't really an issue, good thing too, I was a little rusty. I bowled a 64 my first game, but got a little better the second time with a 79. I have tendicy to hook my wrist when I throw, it's so hard for me to keep a ball straight. The orginizer had a mock tiara and let the high scorer wear it for while. After our time was up and the games were finished, the members mingled for awhile to talk, but I disappeared in a shadow of darkness. I had fun, they seemed a bit too enthusiastic for bowling (To the point where a strait-jacket might be recommened, or maybe a seditive...) but a couple more meetups and I could be that cheerful, too...S'yeah right!

"Quick Hits"

Okay, here's what been goin on in a nutshell...

*My sister's trying to move out of her afforable housing project to another one to get away from this asshole she's hanging out with. She's pissed because my niece will have to change schools if she does move.

*Me and Mom are constantly at each other's throat every weekend because my mother keeps baby sitting my niece Saturday and Sunday while my sister works. I think my mom's a doormat that my sister is wiping her ass with and I want it to stop. Before my niece was born, it was put in stone (Damn near literally) that I would NEVER be left alone with the child till she was 16. I have ZERO TOLLERANCE when it comes to children, even my niece and she's fucking up every damn weekend.

*The job's getting stressfull, one of the co-workers on the assignment got replaced, he was kind of cool, I feel so bad (Survivor Guilt). The client (some yuppie, foriegn national/lawyer type) is being a real dick and killing the flow. So much so that I'm already looking for other work, I have a job interview on the 2nd...

*I got Jazz Fever! I'm going to Piano Great, DAVE BRUBECK in Carnigie Hall for a JVC Jazz Festival performance, whoo hoo! This'll be my 5th time seeing him, 3rd at the 'Hall...

*I also got Bowling Fever! I joined a Bowling Meetup Group (I didn't think they had one for Bowling!) My first meetup is this friday, I'm goin for STRIKES!

*I'm hitting the chatroom scene again, looking for friends is very weird places, browsing Craigslist, too...

*Televison sucks! I cannot believe "Jack and Bobby" got cancelled! It's makes me wonder why I get involved in new TV shows if they're just gonna go away after a year. True, LOST, MEDIUM, and HOUSE are new favorites, but the rest of these upcoming shows look tired and recycled. Which means MY TV SHOW would be a breath of fresh air on the networks, I gotta get it out there by 2008 or so.

That's about it, for now...I rarely have time to read blogs, I feel for what kimmyk is going through with her kids and Fire seems to cutting down on his occasional centerfold pics (So much for my Smut Peddler).

This weathers' been taking it's toll on me, my nose and throat have been fucking with me...My healing factor's been working overtime to keep the germs at bay...drinking OJ and popping my Purple Pills (Alka Seltzer cold and cough medicine)

*sighs* Life's crazy in the city....

A symbol of peace.

Or a funny joke on Yosemite Sam by Bugs Bunny...



This sculpture is at the Visitor's Entrance to the UN. Pretty Cool, huh?

"Now What"? (SPOILER ALERT!)

Warning!!!! IF you haven't seen the latest Star Wars movie yet and don't wanna hear about what goes on during it, stop reading right here and go to another blog quickly!!!! I'll leave some spoiler space....


Protons

.....

Electrons

........

Always

..........

Cause

..........

Explosions

............

P.E.A.C.E.




So I just saw "Episode III" annnnnd...I dunno, it Was O-KAAAAYYY, I guess.

I guess I expected to much from it.

I'm not disapointed or anything, but oh, hell, I just don't know what to feel....

The starfight in the beginning was lame, I'm glad Count Dooku got his early in the beginning, General Grevous was OVER-Hyped by the Cartoon Network "Clone Wars" Mini-Series and was very disapointing (Take a WILD guess how many Jedi he kills onscreen!), the droids were WAY too silly this time, and I hate the fact that ARTOO was CGI (He had to be, his movements were way too fluid in this movie). The lightsaber fights were okay, but nothing beats the Darth Maul/Qui-Gon/Obi-Wan fight in "Episode I". I WAS suprised by the body count in the movie...the SITH clean house, man...everybody gets got!

All in all, it was okay...It's no "Sin City" or "Constintine", but it'll do...

I stll wanna see "Unleashed", "Crash", and "Layer Cake", I'll be waiting for "The longest Yard", "Mr. and Mrs. Smith", Batman and Fantastic 4 and who knows?, maybe I'll see "Episode III" two more times with friends and family for the hell of it.

Episode III "Revenge of the fake-ass Best Friend"!

My best friend, JOE is an ass-wipe.

We've been waiting with baited breath for "Episode III" to come out and now he's fronting on going this week.

"The theater's gonna be crazy, man..."

"We should wait till next week..."

BULLSHIT! He's just whipped and will probably go with his wife this weekend and then pretend to see it the first time with me. He pulls this stunt EVERY DAMN TIME in the summer

Well, fuck him, I'm going to see it friday by my damn self.

Mitch Hedberg - R.I.P.

I was browsing around tonight when I came across the Mitch Hedberg website and it said that he passed away March 30th this year. I thought it was a Bullshit April's Fools post because it was dated April 1st, 2005, but then I verfied it.

I can't fucking believe it.

I was so close to seeing him perform at Carolines, I had missed it by one day.

The guy was so funny man, I worshiped him so much, I even considered him for a part on my TV show.

A comedic genius that the world barely knew, it's so sad.

Just like Robin Harris or Sam Kinison.

Damn, comedy's not comedy any more...what a loss.

"These weatherpeople are on CRACK!"

What a bummer...I had copies of my TV script all ready, I left mad early, and no one showed up at my meetup today...I come back home and checked the site, I was the only one who RSVP'd attendance, everybody else had other plans. I'm back home by 2pm and the house is deserted. The weather guy's have predicted rain all weekend, but it's 78 degrees and beautiful outside. I take a chance and go out of a few quick, but important errands and come back. I enjoy the peace and quiet of the house (Mom was at the travel agency confirming her trip to Las Vegas and she left my niece downstairs with a neighbor to baby-sit.) and since it felt like summer for once, I endulged myself to chill outside on our terrace.

After 5 years in a studio with no view, I had to say, I missed hanging out on our family hi-rise terrace...the view of the neighborhood a few stories below, the horizon, seeing the sunsets...when I was 13 years old, my first girlfriend, Opal Robinson gave me my first kiss on our terrace...Granddady painted the back wall and ground floor at every 3 or 4 years, real exotic colors...and then my stupid sister almost climbed over the railing when she was 16, threating to commit suicide, little she'd know that a fall from our height, wouldn't kill her instantly, but could PARALYZE her for the rest of her life...my mom was so frantic that day....

Mom compains so much about the rent and neighborhood and the building's poor maintenance, but if I could afford it, and find the perfect roommates (or dare I say start a family of my own!?!?!?) I'd never move from this apartment. Mom's master plan to to move next year. She's turning 58 years old this year and is trying to find some Senior Citizen housing community to disappear to and live happily ever after...and she belives that I'm going to mess her plans by depending on her to take care of me again...THE NERVE!...the fuckin' Audacity this woman has! I may be slumping now, but I'm not wearing any diapers or anything...her mystical, "Shangri-La" Senior Citizen hideaway practally doesn't exist in this city. I don't know where she thinks she's going to go, or how she's getting there. I'm telling you, Tony Soprano's mother has nothing on mine! She may have not have abused me physically, but there is an abundance of MENTAL abuse.

When the rain didn't come, I snuck back out to blockbuster and rented "Snatch", "Hellboy", and "After the Sunset". I've been going DVD ga-ga since I got my burner. I even brought an advance copy of "Chappelle's Show" Season 2. Speaking of which, what the hell is up with HIM, lately?...He's had a "Mariah Carey"-like Meltdown and disappeared before Season 3 can get started. By the evening, the rain never showed up and a beautiful day was wasted, no meetup, peaceful house, beautiful weather, damn I need a girlfriend to spend of time with!!!

Maybe I should put a personal ad on eHarmony.com or Lavaline, or one of these things...or maybe even craigslist or yahoo personals...?

"View from the Top"

Image Hosted by Free Image Hosting

This is the view we have from the corner office we're in...

There's The Chrystler building in the middle there, and the Met Life (Formerly the "Pan-Am") building on the right.

Sometimes I daydream and see Spider-Man web-swinging around the area....

Either that or Dumbo flying around like in that "50th Anniversary" TV Commercial...

I am sitting in the morning, the diner on the corner...

Image Hosted by Free Image Hosting

Y'all know the song...Dun, dun, dun, dun...Dun, dun, DAH, DAH!

Now you know the diner Susan Vega was talking about! It's also known as the "Seinfeld" diner, they digitally removed the "TOM'S" from the sign for some reason (Maybe they didn't have his permission or somethin').

I was wandering around the west side after work. I walked up north from 96th street after these 3 bimbos talking on the bus drove me crazy and made me leave. I needed to put more time on my phone, but couldn't find an Apple Bank to save my life! I walked from 96th street to 119th. I was looking for...

A) A bank
B) A store that sold T-Mobile EasySpeak cards
C) A place to by a pick for my natty 'fro
and...
D) A decent Blockbuster Video with hard to get TV Show Box sets (Deadwood season 1, Family Guy, In Living Color, Batman:The Animated Series, etc...)

The west side is so werid thou, so many white people giving me that look, "What is that Negro doing around here? Doesn't he know where he is? Maybe he's lost or something..." I wanted to just hop the 1/9 Train and get back uptown, but I still walked, and walked...

I eventually got home at 9pm...I did some research in the JVC Jazz festival next month and found out that Dave Brubeckis performing at Carnegie Hall on the 24th, I instantly brought a ticket.

Yeah I said A....I don't anyone that's intrested in jazz like me to take along. I've seen the Jazz Piano player four other times, twice even with my ex. *SIGH* it would such a nice date to take someone, but I guess I'll have to go solo once again.

No real updates on my sister's drama...I appricate all the comments that have been posted, I value them as words of wisdowm...

I just joined a new meetup group for bowling, and my TV Production meetup for this month is tomorrow, and this time, I'll be there!

"All in the F'ing Family..."

I know I haven’t been posting as much as I used to, let’s face it, working again has distracted me. But that don’t mean I’m not going through some shit. Problems with fam, yo, PROBLEMS WITH THE FAM!!!

First, allow me to introduce my current slumlord…MY MOTHER! I’ve been here a month and my mother is fleecing me like crazy! Nickel and Diming me for everything I got! And she’s spending money like a ghetto fabulous princess. She’s buying a bedroom set, she’s going to Vegas to meet a classmate from back in the day, she’s completely taking advantage of me!

Then, there’s Psycho-Sis…she has some serious problems. Last month, or a few weeks ago…while I was brooding over the car accident and being depressed, she got involved with some thug in her building. He’s hung around her place a few times so me and mom have only seen him once. He has his own place three floors down from her. Apparently, they got serious enough that he buys her one of those Two-Way Cell Phones by “Boost!” (The Kanye West/Ludacris/Game commercial type.). I hate jerk boyfriends that buy girls gifts like that, it makes them think they own the girl or something after they do that. So, my sister gets all excited and uses the phone more than her other Virgin Pay-your-Way phone that mom got her last xnas. Then one day, she gets a wrong number from somebody…and she ends up making a date with the guy! The thug finds out and confronts her. They start to argue and the bastard pulled out a gun and pistol-whipped her in her face…she had a black eye that only mom got to see when she went over to her house one Sunday. We thought that was the end of it, the asshole took the phone back and laid low for a couple of weeks. Then one weekend, while my niece was visiting, she told us (well, mom anyway…) that he’s back with her because he showed up with some flowers. Mom was furious, but she didn’t want my little niece to get in trouble for saying anything so she let it go. Two weeks later (This past Monday), my mom calls Psycho-sis because she just brought my niece her first bike (The weather getting nice and all that…) and when she called, my sister ended the call real fast and said she’d call us back later. That night at 10pm she calls saying that at that exact moment mom called she was fighing again with that fucking guy! She said she fought back this time, gave him a couple of scratches….A regular “Ike & Tina” this one!

Another abusive boyfriend situation, damn…my idiot of a sister can sue pick ‘em…Part of me is so mad, I’d just take a pipe to this guy’s head and get it over with….and another part is just so disappointed that I’m just gonna waiting till I see her ass on the 11 O’clock news. I can tell, man…this is not going to end pretty, and I feel so fucking helpless. Tuesday, she called and said she went to the police to get a “Order of Protection” against him, and she’s also going back to social services to make a Battered Woman/Single Parent case with Social Services so they can move her (The abuser lives in the same building, they’ll be quick to move her…).

A mother ripping me off, a sister getting smacked up…and in the middle, a 6 year old girl…and they’re all driving me mad! I gotta get away from this family…

I got to make a plan….

"Mother's Day Movies"

Okay, my recient posts have been a bit dark, lately...frankly it mirrors something straight from a Robbie Williams spoken word essay. I feel like I should be on a rooftop somewhere waiting for The Joker to bomb City Hall. These are my thoughts, thou...I can't help it. What goes on inside my head is real freaking deep! It's like that movie American Psycho, you think the guy's a normal sucessful everyday yuppie, but inside, there's a part of him, that just wants to kill people. and while I'm nowhere NEAR that extreme, my resentment towards god, the automobile and alcohol industries, or even my mother are usually kept inside my head and revealed to no one, I'll try to keep them under wraps in the future.

And now some insight on Mother's Day movie selections to distract us from any unplesanties...

There are three movies that I think define the sprit of motherhood and should be seen by everybody on this special holiday coming up, they are...

1) "A.I. Atrifical Intelligence" Yes, I am taking about the robot movie with the kid from "The Sixth Sense" in it. A lot of people see this movie as a dark, unique take on "Pinocchio", in Pinocchio it was about the father wanting a son, but the sci-fi movie teaches us that a mother's love is so valuable, that even a machine can develop it in a sense. A robot child left by it's "Mother" goes on a long, exhausting quest to become human, all so it could expirence true parental love, what could be more moving than that? This movie is so misunderstood. From complaints of time lengh, to the ending (Everyone thinks those beings were aliens, WRONG! They were the supertoys of the future!)," A.I." makes my cry at the end everytime I see it.

2)"Dancer in the Dark" This touching story about a factory worker earning money by working both day and night shifts for an operation that will save her son from the same disease that is slowly taking away her eyesight will anyone choking back the tears by the movie's sad conclusion. A remarkable first time acting performance by Bjork (That swan dress chick) and great supportive cast efforts by Catherine Denavue and Peter Stomatre, it may take a second viewing before you understand that "You don't need eyes to see".

and finally...

3)"Kill Bill vol. 1 & 2" It may be a gore-fest in stylized violence, but the story is there. Mother and Bride to be has her past catch up to her, gets beat up and shot up, left for dead and in a coma for a few years...wakes up and goes on the ultimate quest to find the child taken from her while she was out for the count. The true sprit of motherhood can been seen as "The Bride" sheds tears of joy while lying down on a bathroom floor the mornning after being reunited with her daughter...classic.

Those are MY excusive CHOICES for Mother's Day movie viewing. but what am I getting instead?!?!?

"Johnson Family Vacation", "The Cookout", and "My Baby's Daddy"...MY GOD my mother has lousy taste in movies! *Sigh* The sacrifices I go through for her...someone help me!...Happy Mother's Day, MOM!

"Rain"

It’s twenty after 6pm, I’ve been cramped on an A train since I got on at Times Square. Getting off at my station, I exit off the train move up the platform and make my way to the stairway to the outside. I notice several people hesitantly climb the steps while others open up umbrellas. “Just a light sprinkle..” I thought, it was drizzling a little bit when I got off work downtown. I ascend the stairs into a downpour, the water’s hitting the cement at a high speed velocity making it look like lines of white. My stride is unchanged as my walk home is only a couple of blocks from the station. The rain immediately collects on my sunglasses that I wore despite the cloudy day, my shirt dampens and begins to cling on my dense hardened skin. People are scattering everywhere as the rain intensifies, I show no sign of annoyance and continue walking. Then it hits me, “He’s mad at me…” I whisper to no one. HE wants to show his discontent. Fine by me. Water streaks across my eyes, I’m practically blinded, but I walk as if it was a clear day. I blink repeatedly, but it just make my eyes burn with irritation. My hair becomes matted on my head like a damp brilo-pad as the rain pours down harder, and harder. A sneer of contempt emerges across my face, “Is that your best?”, I mumble. “Is that all you got, huh?”. This is nothing, you think I’m perturbed by a mere drenching? You think soaking me is gonna me forget about all you’ve put me through? You’re gonna have to do better than that! I can take it. You think this is gonna give me the sniffles by tomorrow morning?, HA! I got a healing factor that’ll make Wolverine jealous. I rarely get sick, all the germ filled people on the subway, I touch the poles, I sit on the seats…nothing. You can’t get me with your little rain storm, you’re always coming up short, you know that? Over 20,000 die in a tsunami and does anyone blame you?, no! It wasn’t you that time, right? It was just a very bad day, riiiight.. Be there any day you take some responsibility for once! Say, “Yeah I did it!”, “It was me, it was my doing, it’s ALL my doing!”, but no, not you…you wouldn’t take any credit if it was given to you, you’re a coward. You created man and then created women and then gave them the responsibility to populate the earth, WHY COULD’T YOU DO IT YOURSELF! No love, no marriage, no consummation, no procreation, no childbirth, just *POOF, you’re here, make the world a better place. Why give us the task that you yourself started? What kind of Half-Assed attitude is that? It’s lazy, and irresponsible and that goes back to ACCEPTING responsibility, that was your first mistake, not admitting that you fucked up, just a little bit. But I guess that’s the price we pay for YOUR screw ups, a life of uncertainty, a life of doubt, a life ruled by fear, because in the end that’s what YOU use to control us, FEAR. Fear of dying, fear of our children dying, fear of being alone, it’s what makes us weak. And as I finally make my way home, on this rainy day, as the water stings my eyes and pours down my back to the crack of my ass, I know…I’m afraid…and that’s why…I have nothing but contempt for you, and there’s nothing you can do to change my mind.

"Month One"

Well, I've been here for a month now, and I'm just going crazy. I mean, I'm glad I working again, and all that, but life just sucks now, still. Thinking about the library and all that has me thinking about EVERYthing in the past that's been fucked up.

I told myself not to look at this weeks episode of "Jack & Bobby", it was going to hit TOO close to home, but damnit at 6pm, I caught the sunday "Easyview" Rerun. Seeing Jack lose Missy to a DWI Car Accident reminded me of when I lost my High School sweetheart the same way. Running to the hospital in the middle of the night, hearing the doctors explain how she surived the crash but may not make it through the night, and finally, waiting 6 hours till I saw those white medical slippers walk to me, and the look of the surgeon's face when he told me she was gone...After all this time, I still can't let it go. The future that could have been...That day in April 1993 changed my life, forever. I can't stand cars, I fail to see any facination in them, I only see them as killing machines. I never learned to drive, and I probably never will, and the few times I'll be forced to ride in a car, it takes all my mental bearing to not have a panic attack. I will be forever tramatized by a car accident that I wasn't even in, but scarred me so much.

I also feel this way about Alcohol Consumption. I have never sipped a drop of wine, champaine, beer, or even a wine cooler, not on New Years Eve, not on St. Patrick's Day, ever. I see no event that would call for anything that impairs your senses and makes you incoherent. I don't judge people when they drink, but if they get behind a wheel of a machine that can kill someone else, I'd do anything, short of killing them myself to prevent him/or her of turning that key. So many times, I've thought of washing away my problems by drinking, but I can't raise a sip to my lips without thinking, I'd be disgracing a memory.

It's because of these emotional hangups that I'm alone today. I mean, no car in new york city and I don't drink, who the hell would want to date a guy with so much "baggage"?

The accident has also affected my relationship with god. I feel he had a hand in the accident as well, and basically, I haven't forgiven him what what he has taken from me.

With my emotions raging high, I shamefully voiced out my anger in the comments section of someone's blog. I don't know what came over me, like a dam, I just bursted out in rant of emotional rage!

I try to keep my demons buried within me, I rarely reveal anything about the accident to anyone, it's something that's so life shattering, so "Fight Club"/"Memento" mind numbing. I sometime release the stress and write short stories experimenting with "What If?" scenarios. If I could travel back in time and prevent it, what outcome would result from it? What if she was paralyzed?, what if I took the ride?, what if I somehow forced her not to take the ride (and become some abusive boyfriend type?). Movies like "The One" or the TV show "Sliders" have made me explore this further and further. I've had dreams where I meet different versions of myself that were affected by the accident in other unique ways. I've written novels, short stories, and yes, the accident is even inplmented in the chracter based on me in my TV show, "Call Numbers". The show opens 9 months after it's happened and he's still in grief.

There was a time when my past wasn't always on my mind haunting me. Unfortunately it was when I was in the midist of a relationship with someone. I never revealed my past to any of my ex-girlfriends, but issues would always come up when I wouldn't take a cab ride anywhere or didn't drink. I'm just socially awkward, and the fact that I delude myself in thinking I can be a normal person out there, happy, walking around, enjoying someone's company and companionsip is just so patetic. Who am I kiddin'?

*SIGHS*

What can I say?...It sucks to be me...gotta move on...

I really shouldn't watched that episode...