Wasting time with Jet

Well, I've been here for a month now, and I'm just going crazy. I mean, I'm glad I working again, and all that, but life just sucks now, still. Thinking about the library and all that has me thinking about EVERYthing in the past that's been fucked up.

I told myself not to look at this weeks episode of "Jack & Bobby", it was going to hit TOO close to home, but damnit at 6pm, I caught the sunday "Easyview" Rerun. Seeing Jack lose Missy to a DWI Car Accident reminded me of when I lost my High School sweetheart the same way. Running to the hospital in the middle of the night, hearing the doctors explain how she surived the crash but may not make it through the night, and finally, waiting 6 hours till I saw those white medical slippers walk to me, and the look of the surgeon's face when he told me she was gone...After all this time, I still can't let it go. The future that could have been...That day in April 1993 changed my life, forever. I can't stand cars, I fail to see any facination in them, I only see them as killing machines. I never learned to drive, and I probably never will, and the few times I'll be forced to ride in a car, it takes all my mental bearing to not have a panic attack. I will be forever tramatized by a car accident that I wasn't even in, but scarred me so much.

I also feel this way about Alcohol Consumption. I have never sipped a drop of wine, champaine, beer, or even a wine cooler, not on New Years Eve, not on St. Patrick's Day, ever. I see no event that would call for anything that impairs your senses and makes you incoherent. I don't judge people when they drink, but if they get behind a wheel of a machine that can kill someone else, I'd do anything, short of killing them myself to prevent him/or her of turning that key. So many times, I've thought of washing away my problems by drinking, but I can't raise a sip to my lips without thinking, I'd be disgracing a memory.

It's because of these emotional hangups that I'm alone today. I mean, no car in new york city and I don't drink, who the hell would want to date a guy with so much "baggage"?

The accident has also affected my relationship with god. I feel he had a hand in the accident as well, and basically, I haven't forgiven him what what he has taken from me.

With my emotions raging high, I shamefully voiced out my anger in the comments section of someone's blog. I don't know what came over me, like a dam, I just bursted out in rant of emotional rage!

I try to keep my demons buried within me, I rarely reveal anything about the accident to anyone, it's something that's so life shattering, so "Fight Club"/"Memento" mind numbing. I sometime release the stress and write short stories experimenting with "What If?" scenarios. If I could travel back in time and prevent it, what outcome would result from it? What if she was paralyzed?, what if I took the ride?, what if I somehow forced her not to take the ride (and become some abusive boyfriend type?). Movies like "The One" or the TV show "Sliders" have made me explore this further and further. I've had dreams where I meet different versions of myself that were affected by the accident in other unique ways. I've written novels, short stories, and yes, the accident is even inplmented in the chracter based on me in my TV show, "Call Numbers". The show opens 9 months after it's happened and he's still in grief.

There was a time when my past wasn't always on my mind haunting me. Unfortunately it was when I was in the midist of a relationship with someone. I never revealed my past to any of my ex-girlfriends, but issues would always come up when I wouldn't take a cab ride anywhere or didn't drink. I'm just socially awkward, and the fact that I delude myself in thinking I can be a normal person out there, happy, walking around, enjoying someone's company and companionsip is just so patetic. Who am I kiddin'?

*SIGHS*

What can I say?...It sucks to be me...gotta move on...

I really shouldn't watched that episode...