Wasting time with Jet

With every victory, there comes a price...

I swear the last 48 hours have been PURE HELL. The last thing good that happened to me was MOM giving me the go ahead for "Road Runner" Thursday evening.

That night, I don't know, man...everything got so emotional.

I don't know where to begin...but Imma try.

I guess it starts back with the job. (As Always.)

We're definately coming near the end now, the files I'm scanning are becoming more recent. (I read an exclusive shooting script to that upcoming movie with the guy from THE ENGLISH PATIENT and Rachel Weisz (Sp. CHeck?) from THE MUMMY called THE CONSTANT GARDERNER. They had to get clearence from the UN for show some smybols on some trucks throught the movie. The UN is mad picky about their logo and the people related to it. They've sued the MTA for having the image of the Head Secretary on a MetroCard just because his name sounds like "Coffee" (His name is Kofi), they even rejected a canadian programer's request to have the UN Logo inserted in a computer "World Domination SIM-Like" Video Game called "Super Power 2", I read the correspondences and couldn't help laughing to myself.

ANYhooo...the job's winding down...so it reminded me of High School, the last couple weeks in june before schools out. There's nothing much to do, but you gotta go anyway, etc, etc...so it go me thinkin' (Daydreaming, really) about me and Deidre the middle two years of high school...

It's embrassing to say this, but I actually recieved awards for perfect attendence in High School for my Sophmore and Junior years. Yep, I went to school EVERY DAY. In the rain, the snow, with stomach aches, fevers, sniffles, the works. What can I say?, Love makes you do stupid things! The two of us were inseparable. Of the eight periods a day, the most classes we had on the same schedule were five. I had a friend who worked the computerized program cards at the begining of the year. Ironically, the only "CLASS" I'd cut was LUNCH. I don't eat meat, and there was nothing else barely edible served back then so I always brought a sack lunch and roam the halls. All we'd do is make out...The back steps, the north tower, the south tower, the Auditorium (When it was empty, of course...), the parking lot between the teacher's cars, behind the handball wall out in the courtyard...we were animals, couldn't get enough of each other. Between make-out sessions, the two of us had to avoid the hall monitors (Or what we called "The Sweeps") trying to catch us, it truely was the time of my life, and the memories are so painfull now...

SO...the job was reminding me of High School, which is why I guess I had that dream Thursday night...

I'm at the pool at Highbridge, me and Deidre are enjoying a swim when I decide to head out and dry off for a little while. She's enjoying the water like a fish and decides to stay in. I head back to the edge when I hear her suddenly call out my name in alarm. I turn around and she's having trouble staying afloat, she's screaming about her leg or something. She goes in a full state of panic, I call and wave for a lifeguard, but there isn't one in sight, a crowd of concerned onlookers appear, but no one goes out to help...So I go back out there, and try my best to reach her, the pool, feels like an ocean now, as she grows beyond my reach. Suddenly, she's gone, I get to where she once was and there's nothing but ripples, I take a deep breath and go under, after my eyes adjust to the water, I see a lifeless body far below. I swim my hardest to go deep and wrap my arms around the figure's chest. I kick up, pulling the weight with me and barely make it up for air. I put my attention to Deidre, she couldn't be under for more than a few minutes, I call to her to wake up, but she's lifeless in my arms...and that's when it hits me, that's she's actually gone.

I startle myself awake at 4:30 early friday morning, not a tear in my eye, not a drop of sweat on my forehead, but unfortunately...I pissed on myself while I was asleep.

How Em-fuckin'-barassing. 30 years old and I still pee the bed, isn't that a line from Cam'Ron in a famous rap song?

Anyway, I've must of had that dream around 6 times since the accident, the same thing happens. This is only the second time I've done it on this sofa bed I've had since I moved five years ago. I change the sheets, and work the "Area-in-question" with ammonia and other chemical solutions allowable with this couch's material (Leather, Pleather, What-ever-the-fuck-ether...), then get a replacement sheet on one side while the other air-dries and realize I gotta get up in a hour or so...

Going back to sleep, I think of the dream...

It never fucking happened. Me and Deidre NEVER went swimming together, I lived in Washington Heights, she lived in Throgs Neck, their miles apart. During summer vacation we just wrote each other letters till the start of school again. It's like some fake memory planted in my head like in that episode of "Voyager". So, I'm lying in bed now, thinking the grief I've been through and think "Why Me?". There are so many other people out there...that have never delt with loss the way I have. They live mediocre lives filled with nothing but repitition and existance. Death is a part of life, but there are some out there that deal with it when it is expected. Losing a parent after they have lived a long life, that's understandable...but to go through such tragedy and know that there are others out there...That have never delt with tragegy, that know just life, just living, they're out there, walking around holding hands, just being happy, just being shiny that they glow, those SHINY HAPPY PEOPLE HOLDING HANDS!...then I realize I'm crying, crying myself to sleep, knowing I have to get up in the morning...and go off to work, that's reminding me of school, and have the same nightmare over again...the vicious circle.

End of Part 1

Part 2 of how fucked up the rest of friday and saturday coming soon.