Wasting time with Jet

I wanna take this time out to show everybody this cool like I found. Last year I found out that comedian Mitch Hedberg died of heart failure caused by his use of drugs. Very few knew the comedic genius that was Mitch. His sarcastic one-liners and his rapid-fire style of punchline-after-punchline made people think he would make it one day.

Well, I finally found a link with the majority of his performances and TV cameos. It's a great tribute to him...

http://www.smithappens.com/video_mitchhedberg.php

I have both his comedy albums "Strategic Grill Locations" and "Mitch all together" and I listen to them all the time.

Here are a list of my fav. Mitch Hedberg jokes...

"I wanna be a Race Car Passenger, just riding in the back of the car, complaining!... Slow Down! Why we gotta go around in circles?! Can I listen to the radio? MAN, you sure like TIDE!..."

"I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a woman that will get mad if she heard me Say That!"

"I have a girlfriend named LYNN spelled L-Y-N-N, and I have a ex-girlfriend name LYN spelled L-Y-N, and sometimes my current girlfriend gets mad at me when I say her name 'cause I don't say "NNN" long enough!"

"A lot of people expect you to write comedy or something related to comedy when they hear you're a comedian, be like "Can you Write a script?", "Write a funny Joke..." or something, that's not FAIR! It'd be like if I worked my ass off to be a good chef, a gourmet chef and they'd say "Okay, you're a Chef...CAN YOU FARM?!?"

"I opened a cup of Yogurt and underneath the lid it said "Please Try Again", it was a contest that I didn't know about! I thought I opened it wrong!..."Don't get discouraged, Mitch, Please Try Again"...An insprational message from the people at Yoplay...Fruit on the bottom, Hope on Top!"

"I think Pringles' original plan was to make Tennis Balls...the day the rubber was suuposed to arrive, a whole truck load of potatoes came. Pringles' is a laid back company, they said "F*ck that, Cut 'em Up!"

"I was in a club in the corner, standing right next to the fire exit, and one of the bouncers came up to me and said "Sir, you're gonna have to move, you're blocking the fire exit." like if I wasn't gonna run in case of a fire! "If you're flammable and you have legs you are NEVER blocking the fire exit!", they should put that in quotes on a plaque somewhere, with a dash and my name on it."

"I went to a pizzeria and ordered a slice of pizza and the f*cker gave me the smallest slice possible, If the pizza was a pie chart of what would you do if you found a million dollars, he gave me the "Donate it to Charity" Slice! I would like to exchange this for the "Keep It"!

"I went to a vending machine and put some money in it and pressed "C" twice for a candy bar...F*cking Potato Chips came out, man...See I did not know there was a "CC" button, I did not learn my "AA-BB-CC's"...God-God-Damnit-Damnit!"

"I think they could take Sesame Seeds off the market and I wouldn't care. I can't see myself saying "Damn, remember Sesame Seeds!, WHAT HAPPENED? All the buns are Blank! They're gonna have to change that McDonnald's song..."Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a...Bun"

"What's a Sesame Seed grow into anyway?, I dunno we never give them a chance!...What the F*CK is a SES-A-ME?!?...It's a STREET!...It's a way to open S*IT!"

"I like the FEDEX guy, cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it."

"I was in downtown Boise, Idaho and I saw this duck, and I knew the duck was lost cause ducks ain't supposed to be downtown, there's nothing for them there. So I went to a Subway Sandwich shop, and said "Let me have a Bun." but she wouldn't just sell me the bun, she said it had to have something on it. She told me it was against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain't supposed to touch. So I said "Alright well put some lettuce on." Which she did and said "That'll be 1.75." I said "It's for a Duck." and she said "Alright then It's free." See, I did not know that. DUCKS EAT FOR FREE AT SUBWAY! Had I known that I would have ordered a MUCH larger sandwich! "Lemme have the Steak Fajita Sub!...Don't bother ringing it up, it's for a DUCK!...There are SIX DUCKS out there, and they all want SUN CHIPS!"

And my favorite Mitch Hedberg joke of all time...

"I wrote a script and took it to a friend who reads scripts he said he liked it but it needs to be re-written...I said "F*ck That! I'll just make a copy!"