"Kool-Aid Wars - Episode 2:Battle of the Pitchers"

Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Posted by Les at 5:40 AM
I originally wanted to make the title of this post a quote from "Seinfeld". When Elaine takes George's toupee and throw it out the window...

"I DON"T LIKE THIS THING!!!! And here's what I think about it!"

Anyhooo...since I've moved back (Voice Cracking) going on TWO Years now...ME and MOM have been debating on WHO makes the better Kool-Aid up in this piece!

And me being the self-proclaimed Anakin Skywalker, believed I have won that battle, ol' Obi-Wan...

But now, what's driving us nuts is this god-forsaken pitcher she's using...



She likes this corny ass, futuristic, hand-pumping thing, she paid 40 bucks for from some jerk co-worker pawning off fake Tupperware crap. The damn thing pours thin, has a thin shape, and just looks hideous!

We tried it for a couple of months, I couldn't stand it, I asked her to buy another one, a REAL, traditional pitcher. Then she brought this...



Which turned out to be much better.

But then she started saying I was drinking too much, it was going too quickly.

She called herself "Mr. Wizard" and did a test...

Apparently, My Pitcher only holds 3 and 7/8's Gallons instead of the traditional 4, she believes the second one is short changing us and went back to the first one.

"You drink it too much!" she whines.

THEN she starts buying sugar like it's pure columbian cocaine in the 70's...

Look at our cupboard...



3 Five Pound bags of sugar?!?!

AND THEN she starts going how we can't any more Tropical Punch!

See, in ALL the history we've only drank four flavors of Kool-Aid...

Tropical Punch
Grape
Lemonade
and Orange.

Occasionally, we mix Grape and Lemonade to recreate the classic "Purplesaurus Rex" they had back in the day, and also mix Lemonade with Orange. The one thing you DO NOT DO is mix Orange and Grape...I did that one day, and I swear to god, the evil concoction I created could only be described as Liquid Death itself.

All that's been around is Orange, the others are nowhere to be found...



It's not my fault...I look everywhere.

Sometimes she buys that Pink Lemonade crap and tries to pawn that off as regular lemonade, ewwww...I taste the difference instantly!

So this pitcher nonsense has turned into an all out war!

I'm on a mission to find a better pitcher so I can chuck that other one out the window...

But I need HELP! I've been to every hardware store around the neighborhood! Nothing...I'm even considering going online...

I need to get rid of this thing!

And also find a way buy Kool-Aid packets online!

Comments

3 Comments:

  • At 6:39 PM, Blogger kimmyk said…

    I like your pitcher for making kool aid.

    Where's the strawberry? I can't have believe you don't have strawberry. My friends come over and they get all excited because I either have sweet tea or kool aid. [strawberry or grape] I learned from living in the south those are two drinks you MUST have on hand.

    If I make grape kool aid here I have to listen to a five minute dave chappel speel about grape kool aid. Drives me nuts.

    Oh, and I have that much sugar-if not more. I think Jet as time rolls on-we're related.

     

  • At 8:10 PM, Blogger Les said…

    Yeah, MY pitcher rocks, who cares if it's not fully 4 Gallons? Ummmm, Strawberry's too sweet for us, The Tropical Punch seems the ultimate in-betweener for Strawberry and Cherry (Which isn't sweet enough no matter HOW much sugar you put in!) I also remember Dave's bit about Grape Kool-Aid ("What is JUICE??...LOL) cracks me up.

     

  • At 8:28 AM, Blogger Firestarter5 said…

    The only food item I recognize is the Kool-Aid packets. You crazy 'mericans buy your groceries on another planet I think.

     

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