Wasting time with Jet

I've been so emotional lately. Tonight's episode of LOST actually broke me down to tears.

Sun finding out the father of the baby...it just strikes a cord with me and my situation.

I've yet to explain my thing about this subject on the blog, I recently revealed it to my good friend IRENE which took a lot to do.

The long and the short of it is...

My biological father is a married man who lives out in queens somewhere. He has a wife and two daughters that don't know about me. When I was born, I originally had my mother's maiden name as my last name. When I was 3 years old, MOM met another gentleman, they got married and a year later, my sister was born. There's a caption on my Birth Certificate that states it was "amended" in 1980. Unknown to me for the longest, my last name was CHANGED to match his and my newborn baby sister. For over 20 years we shared our family named despite how different we were and even though things went sour with MOM, I had always respected the man I once called "DADDY" and thought I was his son.

Then, in 2001, when I moved out on my own...Mom told me the truth, 3 months shy of my 26th Birthday.

The truth, that my whole life had been a LIE.

A lie that continues on today.

Me and my sister, Half Siblings, with different fathers.

The fact that the last name I was born with is "SMITH" like my Grandfather.

And that somewhere, out there, a 60-something year old man named William Rutherford lives with the dark secret of his infidelity...and wonders if it ever come back to haunt him.

MOM claims to have no picture of him, ironically enough, my sister figured out the truth long ago and has even SEEN my real father on 2 occasions. There's a relative of his that still lives around our neighborhood.

Since I'm a splitting image of my mother, I like to think I have none of HIS traits, yet I wonder...Is he White or Mixed?, how did it happen and why?, he knows about me, and I know he has a family, but does he think of me?

And as for "DADDY", he did his best, he took on a son that wasn't his and gave him his name...I respect him for that. I always used to look to him as the vindication factor that I was truly "Black", he was my proof...that no matter how light I was, he was my father (Dark as the night itself) and that made me black, how foolish I was back then.

The reality is my life is FULL of unanswered mysteries and secrets that will probably never be resolved in my lifetime.

Whatever happens, I WILL one day RECTIFY the mistake that is my identity. I will hold my name that was given to me till my "Father"'s passing...then resurface the original documentation and bare the name that I was born with again...

I will be whole once again.